Heart Attack

I dreaded this day the moment I signed her on as nanny. Perhaps, for a second, fate would over look my misfortunes and decide to give me a break. Fate, unpredictably, decided to switch it up and bitch slap me a couple good ones.

I frantically unlocked the front door. I couldn’t wait to hold him in my arms and cover him with kisses. There he sat enthralled with his Tonka truck wheels, “Hi loves!” I screamed with arms out ready to wrap him in my sweetness, “come here sweets.” Instead he turned and made a bee line for Mary. As soon as he got to her feet, he tugged her slacks a sign to save him from that strange person, “no that’s your mommy,” she gently scooted him away into my direction. A hair fracture cracked my heart. My ego was afoot slumming it. What did I expect? She was there from eight o’clock to six o’clock. She had ten hours on me. According to my calculations she's kicking my ass by 50 hours a week. Hell on a popsicle stick, I couldn't beat that one down with a stick. My swollen heart how it grows heavy in my chest. I thought I had armored myself heavy for the battle, yet I am slain with emotions.

I’ve been quite sullen with this brash reality. I made the decision when I returned to the work force. I would be risking his unfamiliarity to me, his mother and biggest fan. Nanny and son have a special bond that only leaves me to make up for los time during the evenings, mornings, and weekends. To make matters worse, they even have a language that casts me further from the inner circle. Now, I have to jump in the fast lane and learn spanish on the fly. Cruel.

As I spotlight the downside, I know am not alone in this dark space. I am just one in millions that do not have the luxury to stay home. I know there's worse things in the world, but god damn. As I am witness and victim to this catastrophe, all I can do is smother him with motherly goodness when time permits It is a constant war between quantity vs. quality. It is more often than never that I gently pluck him from his crib, even for just for a second, to hold him in my arms while he slumbers. In the end, there's no winner. All the time in the world is never enough as time escapes with my son on his wings and a little of my happiness with it.

This is Shellie requiring heart surgery back to you Bob at the studio!