Mommy Dearest

I kissed him goodbye and closed the front door that read Hang Loose. My emotions cloaked slightly with numbness, a natural reaction when my heart is plucked quickly from my chest. In the meantime, I held my head high and my shoulders back and sought through my paper sack of a soul for a positive reason for my decision. The morning sun was brisk as I walked down the hill to Third Street. My charcoal Armani slacks swooshed with each stride over the I280 overpass. I took a breath in full and told myself it was going to be okay. There was singe of sadness in my electricity of a new day.

I stood at the Third Street platform waiting for the train to arrive. On the outside, I was prim and fine hoping to lose myself into my headphones that softly played “Happiness is a Warm Gun” by the Beatles. I got on the train and held on tight. The words, “Someday, not for long,” from the gentle lips of my husband echoed in my buzzing brain. I recalled that he held me in his arms in bed trying to alleviate my worries. What does “someday” mean? Someday, I could win the lotto? Someday, I could learn to tap dance in a tutu. Someday, a purple flying elephant could take a big turd on my head. Someday. Humph, that’s like saying, “Hey, where’s the house keys?” “I don’t know, it’s somewhere.” The cart was a load full of rigid blank faces except for this infant that beamed from ear to ear. It was that very second and that very breath that grounded me here to this train, grasping tight to this pole. A smile from that little angel was all it took to ease the pain.

I took the elevator to the 19th floor. I opened the door to suite 1975 and a tall dark haired woman greeted me, “Are you Shellie?”
I forced my winning smile, “Yes, I am.”
“So nice to finally meet you!” She finished with a hug.

I was going to be okay. Styles is fine. He was at home with Mary, the poster nanny. Life as a freelance writer is bliss, but a ball of laundry lint makes more than I do. Life remains vast and great. Privilege comes with a stay at home mom and I just didn’t have privilege right now. Someday.

This is Shellie trying to strike a deal with the devil back to you bob at the studio!