Cougar Collective

Today I’m a proud thirty five! Yes, I am now part of the cougar nation. Rowr!

COUGAR 101
In order to catch and tame it, we must first understand the beast. To understand the beast is to know it. So let's start off with a simple definition.

Cougar: KOO-grrrrr/ (noun); attractive mammal from the female species; middle-aged (35-45); some have been domesticated, but all are considered highly dangerous; quite experienced in fornication; prey on young, single, attractive men, sometimes even prey on women. Now that we've defined the 'cougar,' let's examine some cougar tendencies.

• They roam in packs, 2-4 at a time. They try to disguise themselves by dressing like the young hip kids, hip huggers, mid riff shirts. But, they can be distinguished by stretch marks, diamonds and wrinkles around their eyes. They are a very cunning beast. They cut through the small talk and prefer to discuss mounting techniques.
  
  
• They tend to circle their prey before they pounce. Their domiciles are usually littered with toys. This alerts the prey to the fact that they have cubs lurking in the home.
  
  
• Cougars are very aggressive, yet slightly intimidated. They prefer to pounce on unsuspecting prey that does not show signs of fighting back. So position yourself in the middle of the room, away from your friends. The cougar will sniff you out and begin to approach.
  
  
• Once you've made friends with the cougar you will need to engage in conversation with her. Don't be alarmed; this is only to discern how aggressive the cougar is. Some may go in for the kill right away; others may need you to 'listen.'
  
  
• Conversation is not a necessity, though. All you need to do is stand there, act interested and react to any of their aggressive moves.
  
  
• To accelerate the process, feed the cougar alcohol. ...

To my surprise, I thought I would look physically exerted at thirty five, but I must gloat that I look pretty decent for a cougar. My skin is flab free, my boobs, or the lack thereof, remain at chest level, my butt is more shapely than ever (thanks to boxing and squats), my bitterness level is at an all time low. My self confidence is paramount. My mental retardation, however, is questionable. What can I say except that I am blessed! Smile.

Shellie’s Proverb: Botox can not escape Mother Nature.
Being older does provide the asset of wisdom and simplicity. The woes of formerly being a twenty something seem so quasi elementary. In fact, I would venture to say ‘preschool’. My twenties was a decade of premenstrual epilepsy. Upon the arrival of my thirties, I had succumbed to the shell of my skin. I had nothing to prove anymore. I need not state an opinion. I was happy with myself. Now that I am thirty five, I am exactly where and who I want to be.

Lesson: Grasshopper must accept all flaws in order to possess perfection.