The Gift that Keeps on Giving

There’s been many medical studies where in fact, the holidays raise the bar for blood pressure, bankruptcy, bad credit, divorce rates, wrinkles, gray hair, waistline, and depression.

I, myself, have discovered the stress that consumes others. Since I suffer from Shop Paux, the uncontrollable urge to purchase beyond any sane means, shopping for the holidays has been quite difficult. For instance, as I shop for loved ones I suddenly feel the magnitude of the shoe department howling to me like a sick curse, “Look at me! Try me on! I’m uncomfortable! I will slender and shape your calf muscles! Oo la la.” Suddenly those sleek torture chambers are sitting in the front line of my closet like a marine waiting for battle. Meanwhile, Sherlock Holmes Shane keeps discovering new coats, handbags, boots hidden way in the back of my closet like a bulemic hides her stash.

Random thought: I wonder if I’m a direct descendant of Imelda Marcos? Gulp.

Naughty. Hiss. Shame on me. In the past two weeks, my wardrobe has increased by a third. My wardrobe is like a wet Gremlin, it just keeps multiplying. This is why it is impossible for me to go through the holidays without positive reinforcement. I’m that junkie that requires all the fix’ns. When do I say enough is enough? Truly? Like what is my damage? Am I causing any damage?

Flashback: Please Mom, I really want these jeans? Please. Please? Please. I pleaded like I hadn’t been fed in weeks and these jeans was my breadstick. All the girls were wearing the horse with the wind blowing through its mane. This was an absolute imperitive; Code Red. I could feel my jaw tighten and a pout was mere nanosecondth away. Mom looked at me and said, “Twenty dollars? Child, it is not what you wear, but how nice you are on the inside. What good is all this when you can’t take it with you when you die.” She yanked my hand and plucked me from profanity. I felt myself shrink like salt on a slug.

Drop the phone. Save your Dr. Phil schpeel for the masses. I don’t have to create a crop sign to know why I find shopping so centering. There are worse things in the world like finding little boys attractive, or vegetarians or even more vile, vegans. I am very generous at heart so I like to nurture my inner child, who doesn’t?

Lesson: Grasshopper you can bundle yourself in a thousand fine silk threads, and it will never be as rich as the kindness you show others.