Fab is on the rise

Yes, I am a retard. Even after my wedding I pursue the happiness of a flat stomach. I have been working really hard towards it. I know I will wake up on the morning of Christmas and lift my t-shirt and find a nice red bow from santa on my flat abs. Three cheers for Santa and his army of elves. Sorry I am very coerced by my daydreams.

I’ve continued to see my personal trainer twice a week and I may just bump him up to thrice a week. It has not been a walk in the park for me. I’m not fat, but I want flat abs aka fabs godamnit! I’m not the lucky few who are born with fab. I’m the percentage that was born with that evil DNA of flab.

So in my pursuit to self confidence, I am seeking the help of my personal trainer. I know I should be seeing a psychiatrist instead, but they just sit and scribble. I have increased my cardio and I’ve decreased my food portions. Maybe I should see a therapist…but, I’m already crazy as a hawk.

It’s not like I want breast implants, lipo, or calf implants? I just want my firm body of eighteen again. No, let’s make that 21 (legal age of drinking). Plus, I can’t just forfeit my body to fat. It’s just too easy to scarf on a bucket of fried chicken, snort a pile of buttered mash potatoes, wolf a gallon of apple pie crumble ice cream! Society gets down on drug abuse. Honestly, food abuse is on the rise. According to the SSFSG (Shellie San Francisco Statistic Group), in the 25-40 age group, 10 to 1 people suffer from heart disease pertaining to the epidemic of trans and saturated fat food than drug overdoses nationwide. So Ronald McDonald, I plead on the life of my future childen, stop frying and salting your foods!

Anyway, back to me, myself and my flab. Dear Santa, I promise to make my bed every morning, not tease Dolomite (my dust ball under the bed), run and not walk up the hills, chew my food, not spill canned corn off the roof of my building on the heads of jogging yuppies. Thank you in advance for the fab.

Lesson: Young spry grasshopper cannot cross river on broken branch.